The Delboy Mansion

Mac-tastic

2011-07-11T09:29:00.000Z

I love my iPhone so much that I will likely never use any other type of phone until the day I die. This is almost a ridiculous thing to say, but at the moment, I just can’t see any way that any phone will ever come close to its cleverness, its usability and its clean, good looks.

Only the other day I downloaded ReelDirector, just for fun and I was amazed at what I could turn out in 25 mins (having never used video editing software before!). I could add photos and videos, apply various styles of fade in and fade out between scenes, fade background sounds in and out (or mute them), apply a song (or several of them) over it as a soundtrack, add text, pan and zoom on each photo/video, split and trim videos that I was adding, record sounds to add in, render the movie and compress it down, ready to upload direct to YouTube …… I mean – this all cost me €1.59!! I didn’t have to go near my laptop, it downloaded to my phone and I did all the work on my phone.

So, just when I thought I couldn’t get any more impressed, I watched some of the WWDC 2011 keynote lastnight (up until the iCloud bit, which I’d heard about elsewhere). I just can’t believe how clever these guys have been. Apple are a perfect case study in how to listen to your customers, involve them in making your product better, in innovating (not necessarily the technology, but in how it’s applied for every day benefit) and in applying joined-up, future-focused thinking across their whole range of products.

I would happily switch to using a Mac from now on if a) I had the money to buy one at home and b) was able to switch in work. So, I won’t be able to enjoy the benefits of OS X Lion any time soon, but by God, I can’t wait to update to IOS 5 on my iPhone!! CAN’T WAIT! [Tabbed browsing! Reader / Reading List! Split keyboard for thumb-typing! No need for a pc!! Quick launch camera! Edit your photos! Delta upgrades! Geo-linked reminders!!!!]

There’s way way way too much stuff I want to list that impressed me, so instead, I’ll just recommend you have a nosy at the links above and if you have extra time, view the video for demos too :-)

Innit though? It is ...

2011-06-13T22:26:00.000Z

Not many updates lately because I’ve had a bit of a pain in my face in work [VERY unusual for me] and when I’m not on form, the old creative brain tends to switch well and truly off. So, without covering all the ins and outs of what’s annoying me, I wanted to post a slightly more philosophical update than usual!

In the last year or so, loads of people have taken to saying “It is what it is” and it’s been REALLY irking me. It’s not the phrase itself that bothers me, but the way that people are using what is a pretty profound statement in such a throwaway fashion – usually at the end of a big long moan, when they reach a kind of “ah, feck it, there’s nothing we can do about it anyway” point in their thinking. Now maybe I’m being an arrogant dick and actually they’ve ALL gotten the depth of what they’re saying, but really, for the most-part, I think they’ve just adopted it as the latest bit of cool business-jargon.

The other day I happened upon a web-page, which led me to another one where a guy I kind of know had made numerous, very intellectual, posts about his thoughts on someone called Eckhart Tolle. I had never heard of him and although this chap seemed to be following Tolle’s teachings in a fairly earnest way, I was interested enough to spend the next half an hour watching some very thought provoking YouTube clips (including some featuring the brilliant Jim Carrey singing his praises) and then some of his video podcasts on iTunes (can be found through his official website too).

And what did I find at the core of what this guy was teaching? Yep – the simple truth that stuff just …. is! Whether we take is as good or bad is down to our own thoughts and the habitual, learned mindset we bring to it. He also commented a lot on the fact that we tend to catastrophise and imagine the worst possible future, getting carried away with ourselves in a big way.

His solution? Get practiced in being “in the now”. What happened in the past is no longer happening and therefore not directly influencing current events – it’s only your thoughts (which can tend towards the negative) and memories that are playing it out. The future will never arrive; it’s always in the future. So that only leaves the now and, without wanting to sound too trite, that can be anything you want it to be. So, as a hypothetical example (no, really, it’s not a cloaked confession lol), someone pisses you off in work and you go home and are brooding about it all evening and this is affecting your mood and the people around you. Fact is, that person is not even there with you – fact is, you are with the people you love, in a comfortable house, with a lovingly prepared dinner in your belly … and yet you ignore those positives; you ignore the reality of the “now”.

It’s simple stuff, as old as the hills, and I’ve even referred to the same principles dozens of times, in various ways, when coaching or counselling people, but it all just clicked with me at the right time and in the right way, so I figured I’d try and spread the word a little bit.

On top of that, this evening, on the drive to Cork, I listened to some CDs that were talking about the writings of Shanti Deva that drove a lot of these messages even further home, as well as bringing lots of new perspectives and ideas [in fairness, I’m not turning into Adrian Mole - the cover was totally misleading and I thought it was going to be more of a management type CD, but there you go – serendipity at work again]. Specifically, the author was talking at length about Chapter 6 of the Bodhicaryavatara, which focuses on patience. At first I thought it was going to be a load of wank (pardon my Francais) but after sticking with it, the message had soaked in both conceptually and physically and I no longer needed to expend so much – or in fact, any unnecessary - mental energy on the people and situations causing me stress.

I drove the remaining 45 minutes into Cork city in the car I love, at a speed I love, in cracking weather and arrived in a surprisingly smashing hotel, where I had been upgraded to, of all things, one of their relaxing spa rooms! LOL! Brilliant!

So, anyway, that’s my bit done for spreading the spiritual word; give those links a click and maybe they’ll be of use / interest to you some time soon.

I’m off now to download “Now That’s What I Call Spiritualism 1” so I can have a bit of me-time in my room.

See, I couldn’t even do one update without trying to be Mr. I’m So Funny.
Ah well, I suppose I(t) is what I(t) is!

Friladelphia, here I come!

2011-05-05T17:12:00.000Z

If I ever relocate to the States, I’m making a beeline for:

20 N 3rd St
Suite 702
Philadelphia, PA
19106.

These folks are a HR company, but certainly not like any I’ve known up to now. Even if I didn’t manage to get a job there (I’m probably not cool enough and I don’t own a Mac), they might let me sit in for one of their breakfasts.

I recently delivered some training in Google’s training centre here in Dublin and it’s all beanbags and free treats and nifty ideas but there was something a bit over the top about it for my liking. People were sitting on the beanbags having meetings and all (with their Macs!) so it’s certainly right for the employees they have, but I just felt a bit too old and cranky to be able to enjoy a workspace like that.

To my mind, the iFractal folks have nailed the right balance of adult (maybe grown up is a better word lol), free-thinking, creative, still-get-your-work-done, team spiritedness that I’d love to achieve if I ever set up my own company.

In particular, I love the following:

>> the way they have such a great online presence (with their website, their blog, their flickr page) without being too salesy or up-their-own-arses about it. It’s like – “hey, we’re doing this great work and having a great time doing it; maybe you’d like to follow us or be part of it”
>> the way they ROCK the birthday celebrations for their staff – talk about making you feel loved!!
>> the fact that they call their office the Fractory! You could call it cheesy, but I think it’s GENIUS! Lol
>> the food! oh the food!

And finally, by way of a total coinkadink, look at one of the photos they had on their flickr page!! (I was petrified of pasting the photo here without their permission, cos it had “all rights reserved” on it, so you’re just going to have to click the link!).

Aaaargh!

2011-04-26T19:27:00.001Z

Clár iontach!

2011-03-24T13:53:00.002Z

I came across this podcast when I was browsing through my Stitcher App the other evening and I'm very impressed on a number of counts:
1. The Grammar Girl actually went to the trouble of finding a real Irish person to comment, instead of just winging it, when most of her listeners / readers probably wouldn't have known any better.
2. The fella she went to, Benny Lewis, did a really good job of instructing people on the ins and outs and context of the oul Gaeilge - and in a humorous way that did us proud, I think.
3. She made a pretty good stab at reading the words.

This then encouraged me to click through to Benny's website, only to find myself saying aloud, "Good man Benny!", because his post on Paddy's Day was about something that really irks me: the way our American pals call it "Patty's Day". Good man Benny! I love the idea of his language hacking guides too, so I must check them out in more detail and maybe report back some day. Slán!

p.s. I took the liberty both of robbing that picture from the site and adding that leprechaun hat to it - hopefully I won't get sued in a Grammatically Correct Fashion (should those have been capitalised ... oh God I left out the question mark ... is this the correct use of the "3 dots" thing? ...now I'm REALLY getting nervous!!)

Los Plátanos Magia!

2011-03-22T12:01:00.004Z

Do you sometimes struggle with peeling your banana? Like me, do you sometimes have to bend and twist and batter the top to no avail … only to render the first bite of your banana a horrible mushy mess?

Not no more you don’t. Nope. Not never no more.

~~Glen~~ Ann (oops - sorry Ann!) told me recently that monkeys go for the BOTTOM end of the banana and all it takes is a little pinch and the skin separates. Try it! I’ve done it every day since, on all sizes of banana, in all states of ripeness and it’s worked brilliantly every time. It does expose a black stringy thing that’s a bit horrible, but that’s easily discarded.

Interesting extra comment #1: Some of the Mansion’s founder members will remember this revolutionary tip on persuading potatoes to part with their jackets. If you haven’t seen it, go there and enjoy 2 of my culinary suggestions for the price of one visit to The Delboy Mansion.

Interesting extra comment #2: on the potato post, I searched for “magic potato” and was presented with that funny book cover image. So, I decided to chance my arm again this time and searched for “magic banana”. Now, if this isn’t one of the most unlikely things I could have gotten back, I don’t know what is! Look at it!! Look what you DO with it! How do people come up with this stuff?

Anyway, I must go now, I plan on spending a while searching Google for “magic melons”.

The Greyboy Mansion?

2011-03-01T16:51:00.000Z

I’m ok with my growing number of grey hairs to be honest. I'm no longer what would be described as a young man. I’m also not balding in any way, though I keep my head tightly shaved, so the amount of grey hairs doesn’t really matter.

In general, then, apart from the odd stray nose-hair, I don’t yet look anything other than my age [nearly 35!].

At least this is what I thought up until the other day, when I looked in the mirror and spotted some new grey hairs … in my FUCKING EYEBROW!!

All I need now is a long beard, a staff and a hobbit called Frodo to run around after :(

Gimme an A .. Gimme an R .. Gimme a T

2011-02-21T15:20:00.003Z

As you can see over on my fave links bit, I get an occasional chuckle out of the Bent Objects blog. I love the detail he puts into his work and nearly every picture makes me ask "God, how did he come up with that idea?".

Well, here's another website I'll be checking for the exact same reasons.

This is one of my faves, as well as the "army street" one. Bravo Sandrine!

Lord of the Ceiling.

2011-02-16T23:17:00.005Z

Background: A couple of months back I was in London and one of my team told me that her mates often call her, somewhat affectionately, Gimli, after the dwarf in Lord of the Rings which I thought was a bit uncharitable if truth be told. After a second though, I got it; she's about 4ft 10in and has wild fiery red hair to match her wild fiery red personality. The physique is close enough too to be honest, so I get it. I laughed a bit and that was that. I went back to the hotel, worked for a few hours, ironed my shirt and went to bed. Now I'm big on coincidences and usually this would have been something like switching on the Telly and "wahey, look there's LOTR on, after us talking about it today!" and I'd be quietly happy with myself and my place in this connected cosmic world. Bit different this time though...

Story: Next morning I woke up early and blearily reached out to switch on the lamp and, as I yawned and rubbed my eyes awake I looked up at the ceiling only to be woken by a FUCKING NAZGÛL staring down at me... AAAARRRRRRGGGHHH!!

I nearly wet the bloody bed.

Turns out it was the light reflecting off the bottom of the iron ....[and breathe]

Love is ... living in Mayo beside your Aunty

2011-02-13T21:43:00.003Z

Ann was approached by one of the mammy's on Friday...

Mother: "This is for your daughter [hands her this home made card], from a certain someone. Apparently they're boyfriend and girlfriend, but Amy doesn't know it yet. They're gonna get married, have ten kids and move to Mayo. They're going to live next door to his Aunty who lives there, because she can mind the kids when they go out."

Now there's forward planning for you!

Ann raced up and stuck it in the letterbox before Amy got out of the car and she was delighted when she saw it, naming off about a dozen lads it could have been. So, what does Amy do...? Ropes in mam and dad's cutting and gluing skills, to make 5 cards for a shortlist of candidates.. and THANK GOD one of them was the fella who sent the card!

Now, this may all sound lovely and innocent and you might even think it's a happy ending, but I can't help thinking of all those superhero movies I've seen, when I imagine this little Romeo tomorrow, having received a card from the fair hand of his future baby-momma, thinking "yes! oh joy! yes, that farm in Mayo WILL be ours!!" looks up with a bright beaming smile, only to witness 4 identical cards being handed out, some of which are positively laden down with Xs and Os - of which his card has none, because Amy ran out of steam by the 5th card.

I dunno, it could go either way ...

Top Trumps Special Edition: Del's Job in 2010

2011-02-09T21:16:00.002Z

Intro: This last year saw me go from boy to man in work terms. Not because of the work itself, though I did take on a lot more responsibility and became a good bit more senior, but more because of the experiences of doing that work with and for the people involved in the UK. I've had more assertive conversations in these 12 months (and I mean really assertive) than I'd had in my entire life before that and I've seen people acting in not just a political way but in a downright Shakespearean-play-sneaky-selfish-dishonest sort of way, that I've learned absolutely loads about life and work. Still, that can be the topic of another day's post; for now I thought I'd stick up a few stats to explain why I have spent little - or in more cases than not, ZERO - time with anyone outside of my family:

* Days in UK since last January: 80
* Amount of 18 hour (and longer) days: dozens
* Airmiles clocked to date: 3,768 (Aer Lingus Gold Circle Member now!)
* Airports been in: Heathrow, London City, Gatwick, East Midlands
* Best Airport: Heathrow T1
* Best Business Lounge: No.1 in Gatwick Nth Terminal.
* Worst Lounge: Dublin Airport, T1 (a bloody embarrassment)
* Nights Spent in a Hotel: approx 70
* Best Overall Hotel: Plaza on the River
* Best Room: Hotel Indigo
* Worst (and ironically most expensive)Hotel: Holiday Inn Express near Old Street (at £209 EX VAT!!)
* Hilton Honours Points accumulated: 30,000 [Silver VIP!!]
* Amount of train, tube and taxi journeys: Hundreds
Amount of expenses charged to visa before claiming back: Thousands (no profit or daily allowance for me though, not like public sector travelers!)
* Cost of mobile phone bill relative to rest of company: consistently in top 5!
* Celebrities seen in Airports: Shane McGowan, Nicky and Shane from Westlife, Brian Dowling, Richard & Judy, Caroline Morahan from Off the Rails, Brendan O’Carroll, Niall Quinn, Mary from X Factor, Rachel Allen
* Celebrity seen elsewhere: British boxer David Haye.

So, I reckon at this stage I could genuinely make it from the front door of Dublin Airport T1 to London with my eyes closed!
I'll save the more detailed and philosophical insights for my memoirs, but suffice to say I'm back on home ground now and happy to have the time and mental energy to put back into the important things :-) So, stay tuned!!

Hero Worship

2008-12-14T21:35:00.005Z

In the last 2 weeks, myself and Ann have discovered 2 whole new guilty pleasures - downloading movies from the internet (I stuck to my morals as long as I could, but giving half my wages to the video shop was getting depressing) and HEROES. We have totally fallen in love with Heroes (I actually mistyped that as Herpes there !!! LMAO).

From the brilliant Hiro Nakamura and his cute "woohoo"s, to the sickening injuries of Claire Bennet, to the distracting fact that Peter Petrelli MUST be the gay lovechild of Sylvester Stallone and Keanu Reeves - we love it all. It ALWAYS leaves us looking at each other going "ooOOOohh" at the end of each episode. They have mastered the cliffhanger. I can't believe it took us so long to discover it, but we're catching up fast - we're about to sit down and watch Season 2, Episode 5. So no doubt we'll be depressed when we have to wait a whole week for each installment, like everyone else :(

Just one thing irks me about Season 2 - why land Peter Petrelli in Cork? Maybe this will become clear, but what kills me is the fact that the bad dudes are feckin obviously English and American and are made to overact with crap Oirish accents. It just freaks me out that these people couldn't find one single Irish person - and I mean a genuine Irish person, to listen to them and say "Would you go an' shite - this is ridiculous and insulting". One last thing - if yourwan was really Irish, she'd call herself Kathleen, not fuckin Caitlin (pronounced by her as Katelyn). GGGGRRRRRRRR.

Anyway, next post will probably be next week when baby number 3 is born! And no, we won't be calling it Noelle, Joseph, Stephanie, or Stephen. Or Jesus for that matter.

Although I did toy with the idea of Hiro as a middle name ....

UPDATE: ok so I've just watched Episode 8 of Season 2 ("4 Months Ago") and now I know why Peter ended up in Cork. Now, at the risk of being told to change the record or being called a grumpy old man, I have to express the total rage and insult I felt when it flashed back to Cork (or Corkshire as they obviously think it is) and they pull up in a poxy black cab with a British license plate!!!!! Didn't they have one single solitary Irish person on the whole crew? Surely someone was married to an Irish person? It just beggars belief. So much so that I'm lying in bed typing this on my iPhone, in the hopes that someone else reads it and feels my pain. I'm looking at you John Kelly.
Tuesday 16th Dec, 00:20 gmt

Another i-phone picture installment

2008-10-14T19:54:00.003Z

Especially for John Kelly and Brian Farrelly. See lads? It's not like it used to be! (taken from an IT book in my course last year lol)

I dunno. Having a KNIFE range on sale in a BUTCHERS shop and then calling it DICK?

If I ever break into movies as an extra, please God let me be credited as a Yahoo. That or "Lucky guy in week-long threesome" (with his wife and the babe of her choosing of course)

Important Note to Self:

2008-09-09T21:43:00.004Z

Make sure to check Ann's Facebook before arriving home ....

(well I knew the "just one baby" bit, but the rest could be the difference between "How yooouuu doin?" and "What the hell do you think YOU'RE doin?")

Wellity wellity wellity ...

2008-09-09T20:25:00.004Z

... if it isn't Derek Carter trying to worm his way back onto the web with his "oo look at all the funny things I saw and snapped with my iPhone" efforts to amuse us. The lazy fuppin baxtard - he can't even come up with anything original to say.

Yes - that may be what you're thinking, but it's not going to make me put one iota of extra effort into this post. Ok, well maybe a little, seeing as I feel guilty for abandoning the page for so long. You see, in my new job, I'm actually working every day and have a desk where the monitor is facing out towards everyone behind me. Added to this I have the misfortune of having an in-house IT dept. that monitor such interwebbery, so I'm pretty much unable to do anything bloggy during the hours when I have the energy and inclination to do so. No matter! Here is the news ...

Ann is now 26 weeks along to child number 3 - due December 20th. Still no idea if it's a boy or girl, although Ursula, Queen of Psychics, reckons she "sees a lot of blue". If you don't know about Ursula and the Gooseberry story, ask me sometime. Otherwise, Saint Ann is working hard and managed to get through the summer hols with her sanity and composure intact :)

Amy has been a total headcase this summer - lucky she's back in playschool where she has an outlet for at least a fraction of her energy and creativity. She got up to all sorts that we found hilarious at first, but when it's 4 or 5 things in one day, it gets tough - e.g. putting toilet roll down the toilet - even doing it twice in one day, putting pritt stick and then a whole tub of glitter on the kitchen tiles, painting her finger nails (without actually managing to get any on the nail part of her fingers) and bedsheet with nail varnish, making herself "fancy" with biro tattoos ALL over her body - arms, palms, tummy, forehead, feet, SOLES OF HER FEET ?!, rubbing sun cream into herself the minute she sees even a flicker of sunshine, stuffing playdough into the sugar bowl, emptying a full LARGE tub of talc onto her floor, emptying (half one day and half the next) Ann's expensive moisturiser down the sink. I'm sure Ann is reading this thinking "you forgot this and this and this" but I honestly can't keep up. Anyway, we just keep laughing and reminding ourselves that it's this independant streak that will make her a millionaire by the time she's 20 .... or that will cause her to run away and be a stripper at 16 - who knows, but here's hoping she throws us a few bob either way.

Glen is doing great with a new teacher, who according to rumours is getting married this year ... to his boyfriend! Doing great in hurling and football and just turned 9 t'other day. Still reading like a mo-fo, I've never seen anything like him for the books, it's brilliant. I must take Steve C up on the offer of a visit to the chemistry lab - he'd love that.

As for me, LOVING the new job - great people, great boss, better money, less travel, big interesting projects. Top stuff. Pity the Celica's gearbox is giving me trouble - I know this is over-reacting, but I feel like I have a sick pet and I'm waiting on a date for the operation - a guy I know is waiting on delivery of proper oil and a filter which I hope to jaysus arrives soon - it's been like 6 weeks or something!

Anyway, I still can't keep up with bastardin' Facebook, so I'll stubbornly stick to my blog and finish with this ridiculously misguided shot of a poster in Cork Airport (yes, from my iPhone). Who thought THIS was a good way to sell lotions and potions to girls. You don't have to be as depraved and debauched as me to do a double take at this pic. Or maybe you do ...

Punks are people too

2008-05-20T10:40:00.003Z

Dunnes Stores preventing punks from walking where they please.

They should just relax - it's those crazy jazz fans they need to watch out for.

Good evening, I'm Ron Millington Synge

2008-05-10T15:32:00.002Z

Another of my out and about pics from my phone.

This is a portrait of J.M. Synge snapped on the way to the gents in The Left Bank bar in Temple Bar. I'm not a literary type - I just thought he looked the image of Ron Burgundy !

Golf is nice car - I like !

2008-04-21T10:48:00.004Z

When I bought the iPhone recently, I was a bit disappointed with the camera on it - it takes a while to focus and even then the subject has to sit still for ages, so it makes unplanned, candid shots a bit bloody difficult.

It's not the worst, I suppose, but I do love snapping pics out there in the big wide world, so I'm going to put some of them up here (and on Flickr) to share some of the bizarre/interesting/funny/unexpected sights I've witnessed up to now ...

I'm sure I glimpsed a man-kini on the driver as I passed this car !

Twice in one day! (that's what she said)

2008-04-04T14:52:00.003Z

Writing about my iPhone there reminded me of a post I had made during my first ever day on this blog. It's here, it needs quicktime to view, but feck me, an awful lot of this technology seems to me to have been adapted for the touchscreen interface of the iPhone and iTouch ....

Also to be found in those archives is a post professing my love for Sir Alan Sugar. He still hasn't returned my calls or thanked me for those valentines cards but I forgive him and will continue to tune in to the latest series of The Apprentice !!!!

(Obviously I am not his stalker, I'm just trying to say how much I love the show ... again)

iSuck at Blogging !

2008-04-04T13:44:00.003Z

So many days since my last post !!

Some stuff has happened since I laid my hands on my lovely new car (which I'm still loving a LOT) but I haven't taken the time to update. I think half the reason is the EXPLOSION in the popularity of Facebook among all my friends. All their (your !?) photos are on there and they take quizzes and poke each other (whe whe whe). So, really, my poor little blog and Flickr page feel a bit antiquated now.

Anyway, probably a bigger reason for not updating is how shite work has been for a few weeks. I won't go into the details but it's ended up that I am looking for another job and can no longer stand the thought of making money for the owners - almost a textbook example of the results of bad leadership! I've always landed on my feet up to now though, so it's exciting to think of where I might end up!

In the meantime, some pieces of good news:

When my bonus landed into my account a few weeks ago, I treated myself BIG TIME to an iPhone. Now, I know there are much better phones out there, but my God do I love this one. I also never owned an iPod, so I'm really loving the music thing and the podcasts! Everything from Russell Brand, to Jonathan Ross to Jack Welch, it's brill. Out of the same bonus, myself and Ann went and stayed in the Ritz Carlton in Powerscourt for a night on The Gordon Ramsay Dining Experience and you don't need me to tell you how fuckin deadly that was .... unbelievable !

Also, I was on telly again ! Anyone who didn't see it, I was a brief feature in What am I Worth ? on RTE last Tuesday. The video can be found here (episode 5) and will be available for only 21 days, so get your skates on to see the Time Management Fairy with the fat head ! You can skip ahead to the last 5 minutes or so and you'll see me save the day :)

(Oh, and by the way, I wasn't REALLY making notes watching them do their work - that was just for the sake of footage, All the real work was done before the producer arrived with the camera, thank you very much LOL).

Wiki WTF ?!

2008-02-08T16:09:00.001Z

Ok, so I'm going to pretend to be all cool and nonchalant by interweaving a funny observation in what is really a post about my fuckin deadly new car (damn, already the facade of cool is slipping).

So, while I was looking on the internet for tips on how to drive an automatic (oh yeah, my new car is automatic), I came across this website that I never saw before, so it's probably not new, but it was new TO ME (oh yeah, my new car is not new, it's 99, but it's new to me).

Anyway, WikiHow, came to my rescue giving me a reasonable understanding of how an automatic works and what settings there are. Although, it didn't talk about tiptronic gearboxes (as my car has tiptronic aswell as fully automatic).

I should also have a look and see if it tells me how to tune in a Japanese (my car is a Japanese import) stereo that has Radio, CD, Mini Disk, DVD and Sat Nav features - all in a tidy in dash package that flips out like something off Pimp My Ride (eeeasy Derek, remember - nonchalant).

So, anyway, I noticed the following popular links listed on the side of the WikiHow website and the first three just struck me as both bizarre and hilarious !

Oh, and if you happen to be at all interested, I bought a 190bhp, 1999, Toyota Celica vvtLi, 1.8l, black, automatic gearbox (with on steering wheel tiptronic buttons, if I'm feeling saucy), with less than 40k miles on the clock.

I'm a very happy man.

Cool, nonchalant and fuckin happy.

Ann still has the Focus for the kids, so this is all mine.

Important news about my home ...

2008-01-17T14:43:00.000Z

... I had to call the doctor for my house the other night.

It was having window panes.

______________

Hopefully someone is still out there, given that I have been the laziest blogger on the face of the planet in recent months (blogo-sphere if you're a nerd). Anyway, I suppose the biggest updates are:

Still LASHED out of it with work - plenty of 12-ish hour days lately.
On the upside, this has resulted in me finally being able to take someone on, so I will be a manager (oooOOOooo). Important for future career to get a few years managing people.
Ann had a psychic over to the house and I can safely say I am a TOTAL believer in what she was doing. I was very skeptical and thought it was all "look into my eyes, not around the eyes, look into my eyes" kind of stuff, but next time we are at a party, get me to fill you in on some stuff. Especially the Gooseberry story!
Amy is now going to playschool and is an independant little madam at the mo.
Glen is still a whizz at everything and is getting his mother's lanky legs.

Me and Ann are planning on staying a night in the swanky Ritz-Carlton Hotel in Powerscourt, complete with Gordon Ramsay dinner WOOHOO ! Hopefully in the next few weeks. I know we could have a weekend away for the same cost, but we deserve - and mostly she deserves - a super luxurious relaxing time without any hassle of travel. Will let you know if it's any good :)

That's it for now ... Carter Out

Rock Hard to Die Hard

2007-12-03T09:27:00.000Z

This is one for the boys (and the boyish girls).

As if you hadn't noticed it's getting close to Christmas and for real manly men, the first thig they - I mean WE - think of is Die Hard. The snow on the ground, the icy breath, the staff parties, the running on broken glass barefoot - all make us think of the main man, John McClane, in action.

Well, lastnight, myself and Ann watched Die Hard 4.0 for the first time and it rocked. YES, it was filled with unlikely action scenes (I'm looking at you Mr. Helicopter pilot - I mean come on, how could you not see a car coming towards you like that ?! As for letting your mate get knocked out of the chopper by a jet of water, you seriously let down your colleagues in the Evil Chopper Pilots' Guild) and yes yes YES it was filled with excellent one-liners (You just killed a helicopter with a car! John McClane: I was out of bullets) BUT the most rocking thing about it was this music video hidden away in the extras. Lads, this should give you a laugh and, if nothing else, it's a fitting homage to the greatest NYPD officer of all time. That's right - Sgt. Al Powell.

So, without further ado, please click here to see Guyz Nite performing "Die Hard"

Saw this in Superquinn this morning

2007-10-25T14:11:00.000Z

There I was in Superquinn, buying a smoothie and a rock bun (breakfast of champions, I know) when, on the way out, nosiness got the better of me and I stopped to look at their notice board. This postcard was there and if it isn't the very DEFINITION of the word irony, I'll be a monkey's mother's brother ...

Topsy and Tim learn Stereotypes

2007-10-24T20:58:00.000Z

Amy has this book with those little shitheads Topsy and Tim in it. The books are brutal if you ask me, but at least the other night I got to laugh my ass off at two of the pages. Please oh please chip in your suggested text for each picture and give me even more mileage out of these pics ...

This artist is a bit of a Clever Dick

2007-10-01T09:25:00.000Z

What do you think of this painting ?

I'm much more into photography than I am painting, but I think this painting is pretty ok. It's the way this was painted that raised my eyebrows.

Click on the picture to see what I'm talking about ...(in case you haven't guessed already!).

Comedy gold ... if you're a pharmacist

2007-09-25T08:16:00.000Z

Somewhere in Swords, there is a pharmacist tittering into her muesli as she pictures one Mr. Carter scratching his head and wondering whether to take his prescription or not.

And just in case you can't make it out from the picture, it says:

"To be used twice daily as directed.

Not to be taken.

Do not stop using medicine unless doctor advises."

Great.

And here it is!

2007-09-14T08:38:00.000Z

Man, I have been laughing my ass off watching this on silent, here in the office! (Click pic to view)

Note to self: When on TV in future .... CALM DOWN!!!

Unfortunately they didn't get enough response to their call for volunteers, so that bit isn't going ahead, but feck it, I've crept past the fifteen minutes of fame and am into the twenties now lol

Also: Thanks Johnny for sorting out the technology!

Gathering speed!

2007-09-07T08:27:00.000Z

Well holy jaysus - following a couple of emails back and forth with a researcher in TV3, I was invited to go on Ireland AM this morning to promote No More Nerves!

I'm delighted, although I wasn't as anxious/nervous lastnight as I was before the Today FM slot for some bizarre reason ?! Maybe it's just that it was my second time doing something like this, so I felt more comfortable. I can't wait to see it - the piece was a little rushed at the end, but that's not really my fault. The BIGGEST thing is that they appealed for people to receive the coaching and be filmed in a kind of "before and after" style. I had pitched this idea to them originally, but I was kind of chancing my arm, not thinking they'd go with it. So, hopefully that part goes ahead.

So .... WOW !

Turning point ??

2007-09-03T15:42:00.000Z

I’ve had a couple of things happen to me in recent months that have left me in a bit of a dither. Let me explain …

Today FM
This was a mad experience! I’ll be at the Wedding and Honeymoon exhibition at the end of the month, trying to make something of my No More Nerves idea. So, a couple of weeks ago, I decided to try and drum up a bit of publicity – partly so I could do an “As heard on Today FM” thing at the exhibition and partly to reassure myself that it is actually a viable idea, with a real market demand. I sent an email to Ray D’Arcy and one of his researchers rang me back, inviting me to go into the studio. Unfortunately, the D’Arce-ster was off doing the Rose of Tralee, but I did get to go on the national airwaves with Ray Foley and they kept me on and talking for about 15 mins!! I’ll put the sound file on my website soon, in case you didn’t get to hear it. I was totally chuffed before, during and after this experience.

Articles
I’m certainly no Johnny Londis, but I do have a couple more “exposure” type things to be happy about. I had a decent article published in the Irish Independent a few weeks back, when my written answers were published like an interview in their business section. Well, THIS Sunday, there’ll be another one on the same subject, Winning Tenders, in the ‘New to Market’ supplement of the Sunday Business Post! This is brilliant for work and I’m quite proud too, to be treated as an expert in something. These will be posted on my work website soon enough (when I get around to adding the page!).

So, these things are really brilliant and I’m delighted. Only thing is it’s left me kind of feeling like I could do something huge, working for myself. I’ve always loved my job but now I’m kind of looking outwards and wondering how far I could push my potential in other areas. At the moment, all my efforts are divided, but I can’t leave my job and not have money coming in. It reminds me of how the fellas started off with Innocent Smoothies – they were selling smoothies and juices at a festival type thing and provided 2 bins for the empties, labelled ‘yes’ and ‘no’: Over the bins they asked “Should we leave our jobs and make delicious smoothies for a living?”. The rest is history, as one bin was overflowing and the other was nearly empty.

I know all successful people had to start with a period of risk and low income, but I’m not in a position to do that. So, Peter Jones, or Sir Alan Sugar, if you’re reading this, please email me and we’ll take it from there LOL

Just to prove I'm NOT feeling as down in the mouth as the above might indicate, some brilliant home things happened since my last post too!

Went to Clare with the family and it was brilliant. Loved every minute of being with Ann and the kids, aswell as the rest of my family, except Will and Cathy who weren’t there.
On the subject of Will, he passed out for the Fire Brigade a few weeks ago and my mam (in her role as Deputy Lord Mayor) made a speech and presented him with his scroll. A very proud and happy day for us all.
I’ll be a Godfather again! This time for Ann’s niece, Molly.
Went to see Transformers with Glen and feck me if wasn’t one of the best films of this year – totally action packed. Glen could hardly sit still and kept shouting out comments at the top of his voice, despite my admonitions to switch to “whispering mode” ! lol
Glen is now in 3rd class (Oh my God!) and Amy is practically toilet trained and is turning into a funny and clever little thing, like her brother.

Now, that’s enough loafing on company time for now ….. couldn’t do that if I was working for meself ! Sure I couldn’t Johnny ?!

p.s. that's not really a Today FM t-shirt. I'll replace the pic with the Del and Ray Foley pic as soon as I get my laptop back :)

Ok Ok I get it !!

2007-07-30T11:43:00.000Z

Sticking with the Simpsons theme of the last few posts, I thought I'd better make my Simpsons character more realistic before a certain Mr. Foley did .... (note the new man-boobs and extra chin, aswell as the muffin belly. mmmm muffin)

Are you happy now ? Now that I despise myself and have become anorexic ?!

Or at least, I will become anorexic, right after this breakfast roll and milkshake...

Homer Promo

2007-07-30T11:29:00.000Z

This really amuses me - apparently the promo people for the Simpsons Movie painted a 180 foot Homer Simpson next to that Pagan dude with the boner!!

I'm also tickled by this pic I took in Hamley's, of the Homer-Sapien robot!! I dunno if they even twigged the wordplay when they invented this version of the Robo-Sapien toy. I like to think they did, those clever Simpsons people.

Although - it would have much funnier if they'd given him a bottle of Duff to hold in front of his crotch, so he could compete with the stone age dude.

WOOHOO - it's London Eve !!

2007-07-18T08:47:00.000Z

Off to London tomorrow for the Harry Potter surprise with Glen (check in at 7am!). He still has no idea what the we're doing, but we have been counting down the days until Thursday! So far his guesses have included:

- joining a tennis club

- going to a match

- doing a day-tour type thing

- going skiing

- meeting David Beckham !!

Thankfully, the real surprise is better than all of those, so I can't wait to tell him and really can't wait to go !! Watch out Brian - I'm in tourist mode, so get your walking shoes on !!

In other news, go to http://www.simpsonsmovie.com/main.html and see if you can create a more realistic avatar of yourself than I did !

Shazam !

2007-07-09T12:54:00.001Z

This is one of the cleverest piss-takes of all time I reckon. The guy actually looks more like Tom Green than David Blaine, but he's still brilliant ...

She's so scary (and cute!)

2007-06-28T08:37:00.000Z

Apparently, this will be Pearl's last appearance :(

This one is even more off the wall than the other - it's hilarious to hear such a cutesy little voice saying "I'm gonna knock your teeth out" !!

Check out Good Cop, Baby Cop and tell me if you're as tickled by it as me!

Product of the year, if you ask me

2007-06-26T15:05:00.000Z

WOW! What a great idea this is. Occasionally, I come across a product or idea that makes me really root for the creator. This is a mouse that functions perfectly normally, until you get a call through Skype, MSN, or whatever. Then, when it rings, you pick it up and talk into it ! OR you can press the scroll button to go to speaker mode.

Now, I know there're some drawbacks, e.g. not being able to scroll and click while yapping on the phone, but feck it, the true geeks out there know all the keyboard shortcuts anyway. Apparently, it costs €65.

These things can get REALLY out of hand!

2007-06-25T11:30:00.000Z

Some photos just BEG to be doctored for comedy value. Here's a case in point.

Dermo sent this pic (of himself) earlier. This is, of course, quite a funny pic in itself.

But Kev couldn't help himself and doctored it a little bit. Kudos for not going all out and putting proper gay porn on there, Kev. That would have sucked. [ahem].

Then I spied (with my photographer's eye) something in the way Dermo's arm and leg were positioned. A quick web search later and here we have it. Enjoy, Dermot!

(or should that read "Enjoy Dermot!" lol)

Don't turn left, whatever you do!!

2007-06-19T10:47:00.000Z

Look carefully ....

Father's Day

2007-06-18T09:43:00.000Z

All in all, it was a very enjoyable Father's Day for me, yesterday.

After a massive lie in, Glen gave me a card he had made, out of one of my favourite photos (shown here) and then down I went for a lovely brekkie.

The day just got better from there, cos we went in to the Street Performance World Championships, in Merrion Square and it was DEADLY. We saw two shows and were blown away by a guy called Mario. I'll put some pics up soon, where you'll see the proof that he picked some girl from the audience (who was actually much bigger than he was), put her up on his shoulders and then cycled a feckin unicycle !!! He did all this to a Queen soundtrack - hence the dodgy hat, moustache and leathers. AND he crowdsurfed at the end of the act LOL

Then, lastnight, I watched Pursuit of Happyness and it sure was a Father's Day film. Very inspiring true story about Chris Gardner, but the hidden superstar of the show was the Rubik's cube. In the DVD extras, it showed these dudes completing it in 15 seconds and less, but the REAL genii are the ones who can look at the cube for a minute and then complete it blindfold. Unreal !

Almost forgot !! Britain's Got Talent! Paul totally deserved to win. If you didn't get caught up in the hype, then you must be missing the "Medulla Entertainium" part of your brain, cos it was awesome.

"I think you are underestimating the sneakiness!"

2007-06-13T13:09:00.000Z

Got this text from Ann yesterday which made me laugh out loud and feel really proud (... up in a cloud ...wearing a shroud .... looking at a crowd ... who were all being wowed ....)

"Wait till I get my hands on Glen Carter! Just found 6 vests, 4 pairs of pants, 3 tops, 3 pairs of trousers + 3 odd socks hidden under his bed!"

When questioned, Glen said that he "just sort of fell into a pattern" where he would, instead of putting clothes in the linen basket, hide something under his bed ... "but only every second night" !!

Apparently, I had been silently getting blamed for the loss of the tracksuit bottoms! How very dare you, Ann Carter ! Honest to God, who needs TV when your kids are this amusing.

Guinness Pucker-Records

2007-06-13T13:01:00.000Z

Spotted this story on a certain website just for the grown-ups:

Hungarians Regain Kissing Title
BUDAPEST, Hungary -- It was payback time in Budapest last weekend, but even though thousands showed up at the national parliament building the demonstration had nothing to do with politics and everything to do with national pride ... Oh, and kissing.

The Philippines, you see, once held the Guiness Book of World Records title for simultaneous kissing when, in 2004, 5,327 couples snorgled (as the British would say) en masse in Manila at the same time.

Not to be outdone, the Hungarians took the title away from the Philippines in 2005. Then, this past February, the Philippines regained the title when 6,124 couples smooched simultaneously in Manila again.

Once again displaying that they have world-class pucker power, 6,400 Hungarian couples gathered in front of their parliament building Saturday night for a take-the-title-back street party, complete with concert, and all of them kissed at the same time, allowing Hungary to retake the world title for the largest simultaneous kissing event.

"That's the least we can do for the nation," said Pityu, who admits she and partner Orsi began doing some pre-event warm-up kissing a half hour before the "official" event.

Now, maybe I'm just a hard man to impress, but I'd have thought that convincing 12,800 people to turn up to a free concert and kiss their partner(s!) would not be that difficult !!? I reckon Ireland could easily top this. Ciarán, you can use the title of this entry, with no charge, as a headline if it ever does come to pass.

By the way, I BET you clicked on the fake link I put in the first line .... dirty, DIRTY thing you!

What's the beat on Delboy Street?

2007-05-25T10:02:00.000Z

Still damn busy in work - every time it looks like a quiet week is on the way, something else comes in and I'm kept busy and out of the office. Anywho, here are the main updates:

Glen made his Communion !
Me and Ann are going to be Godparents for our new niece :)
It's my 31st Birthday on Monday !
We went to the Guinness Storehouse on Tuesday mmm
AND
I've booked flights for me and Glen to go to London for the launch of the final Harry Potter book ! I'm gonna surprise him on then morning we leave. Waterstones in Piccadilly have a "queue party" and everything and then they'll open at midnight. We're gonna stay in Brian's house and do loads of touristy thing for a couple of days - I can't wait !

These pics in the Storehouse made me laugh at the state of celebrity endorsements in the 80's: Mike Oldfield, Elkie Brooks; Clannad (check out the dudes in Clannad - you wouldn't want to mess with them !! LMAO) and some football dude. I honestly don't know which is funnier - the heads on them all or the taglines on the ads !!!

"I'm gonna smack you!"

2007-04-25T14:03:00.000Z

Oh man - in a very very very busy few weeks, nothing has made me laugh more than this video clip with Will Ferrell. Apparently, his mate wrote the sketch and they filmed it for the craic.

I think it's absolute comic genius. Prepare to squirt stuff out of your nose laughing. The story speaks for itself.

The Devil is in the Detail

2007-04-06T13:25:00.000Z

Ann has proven herself to be QUITE the eagle eye lately, when it comes to films, where she spots little touches or jokes they put in for the uber-geeks. So here are a couple of things you mightn't have noticed in some films lately. (By the way, that's real Magnum P.I. hair I've transplanted onto her face. Personally, I feel a bit queezy looking at it, but hey, underneath it all is the woman I love, so I can put up a a bit of moustache rash)

When we watched Snakes on a Plane, she noticed that the microwave had a preset button on it called "Snake" ! Well spotted baby, but I'm afraid IMDB already has that one :(
Lastnight we watched Casino Royale and she spotted Richard Branson being beep-beeped at the x-ray machine! Unfortunately for Ann, IMDB also had this one recorded.

Sure enough I noticed a Virgin plane in the background, but I just put that down to the usual cynical product placement in films. That's another thing I find really insults my intelligence. If you've ever seen Point Break (especially 15 times like I have!) you'll be headwrecked by the amount of times a bottle of Corona is in their hand. Grrr. James Bond is the worst culprit though - the film had placements for Sony Vaio laptops, Range Rover, Aston Martin (2 cars), Martini, Gordon's, some other type of gin, and a host of other things that I can't remember.

It did bring back some nice memories of Venice at the end though :)

Call me or I'll bust a cap in yor ass!

2007-03-20T14:12:00.000Z

This was Amy's distracted attempt at giving 2 thumbs up lol Usually, she does it perfectly, but this is classic.

I think I'll show it to her first (and possibly every) boyfriend !!

Grade A Eggs ? Grade A idiots more like.

2007-03-20T13:32:00.000Z

I've been meaning to take these pics and post them for a while now.

If you have an egg allergy and you not only go and BUY a carton of eggs, but then EAT the things also, then you absolutely deserve the hideous, swollen faced death that is bound to follow.

Jesus it's sad to think that someone probably would sue Tesco if they didn't cover themselves legally like this.

Don't go doopa-dee changin !

2007-03-09T12:04:00.000Z

Myself and Ann were flicking through the music stations the other night and were all of a sudden confronted with the video for "Just the Way You Are" with the Uber-Scmoozer Barry White at the piano.

There were a couple of things that we found really funny. The first is how ridiculous his hair was - even for the 70s. (I just couldn't shake the image of him and the Oompa Loompas sharing the same coiffeur, so here's a pic in their honour).

And the second was the lyrics to the song! Have a read of them and tell me how impressed you'd be if they were aimed at you, as a woman!

Veyron Veers Off !

2007-03-08T09:34:00.000Z

Oh the humanity. The sheer tragedy of it all. I know there are terrible things happening in the world to innocent humans, animals and children, but right now this is what's upsetting me. My beloved Bugatti Veyron has lost one of its number to some idiot who couldn't handle it. It happened last Sunday I think and here's what Sky News had to say about it:

"At £830,000, it's the most expensive car in the world.
But one driver found a similar one a bit too much to handle. Travelling at a speed thought to be 100mph in a 40mph area, the motorist was involved in possibly the world's costliest road crash. The supercar clipped a Vauxhall Astra before crashing into trees on a roadside bank. According to reports, the luxury motor is owned by businessman Kumar Soni. Mr Soni and his younger brother Ajay were in the car at the time of the accident. The two and their 64-year-old father run a number of car hire and property companies. A man, believed to be Mr Soni Snr, later arrived at the scene. One witness said he was shouting and screaming at the men in the supercar. The vehicle is one of only about 12 in Britain. After berating the brothers, he drove off, leaving the pair to walk home in the rain. The 1,000 horsepower Bugatti has a top speed of over 250mph and can do 0-60mph in 2.5 seconds."

Lastnight I also saw the road safety ad for "slow down and look for bikes" or whatever the tagline is. I nearly jumped out of my chair with the fright I got. I think it's going to be a very effective ad campaign. They should really run one to encourage drivers to check their blind spots for bikes too, though.

That concludes this mechanically-propelled post.

Bia deas

2007-03-07T10:20:00.000Z

The other morning I was feeling healthy and made some fresh fruit and natural yoghurt for brekkie. I thought it was missing something, so I had the brainwave to add oatmeal into it for a bit of crunch and nourishment. Out comes the Odlums and I was presented with the most laughable serving suggestion since the Weetabix week (which I believe should simply have been called "Weekabix").

Can you see it ? A solitary slice of peach plonked onto a bowl of steaming porridge. I don't know what they were thinking. The Pinhead Oatmeal one is even more ridiculous - I can just picture mammies up and down the country trying to convince their kids to eat porridge by adding - not chocolate buttons, or jam, or honey - but 2 slices of strawberry. I ask ye!

In the meantime, all is not lost for Irish cuisine. Check out this website that I came across, which is bringing proper Oirish (fried) food to the masses in Virginia, USA. Have a read through the website and also delete some of the url and have a look at the Restaurant Eve website. Good man Cathal (the T is silent).

Now that's what I call dancing 2

2007-02-22T14:19:00.000Z

Saw this video on you tube last year and thought it was super brilliant altogether. The guy had some wicked moves. (There are a couple of lads on before him, but you'll know who I'm talking about when you see him). I loved not only his moves, but the way he caught the whole place off guard: out walks this skinny white guy and he starts dancing in a pretty naff and boring way and then WHAMMY out comes the best body-popping routine in the history of mankind. And the crowd went Ker-Razy.

Well, he reappeared at Kollaboration again a few years later and had a few new moves up his sleeve. I REALLY love the "falling to the floor and rewinding back to standing" move. I was so chuffed to have found this video lastnight.

Click the picture to view and enjoy :)

Comic-al

2007-02-19T13:45:00.000Z

Check out www.nataliedee.com for some funny drawings on a daily basis.
Also, anyone who's getting married, check out this girl's designs for invites etc - very original www.baglady-designs.com. Unfortunately, she declined my request to do a sample illustration on a kids story I wrote :(
If anyone knows any good, imaginative artists, please let me know!

The name's Junior - Romeo Junior

2007-02-14T11:08:00.000Z

A couple of weeks ago Ann told Glen that if there was anyone he wanted to give a Valentine's Day card to, then she would buy one for him. He replied "I don't know", so she left it at that. Even this was a step forward, for the boy who turned away from the TV if people were kissing, or even about to kiss !

So lastnight we were heading out and Ann needed to stop in the Spar:

Ann: So, would you like me to get you a card then, Glen ?

Glen: Ok

[We remained silently astounded but gave nothing away in our reactions]

Ann: And who do you think you'll give it to ?

Glen: Erm, I haven't really decided. Maybe Ciara, 'cos I don't think she'll get many cards

[Oh Jesus ! He took the advice in his Book for Boys a bit too seriously!]

Derek: Well, I'd say she might get a couple alright 'cos she has lots of friends. But usually you would give the card to someone who is a nice person and is nice and friendly and who you would like to make feel happy and special. So, who do you think - Ciara, or anybody else ?

Glen: Maybe Molly

Derek: Oh yeah, how come ?

Glen: 'Cos she's a nice person ..... nice looking too.

WHAM! There it is - just one of my proudest moments ! lol Ann got the card, which he approved of, and he composed it himself: "Dear Molly. Have a brilliant Valentine's Day, From: ?". Then we had a chat about how he would get it to her place in school without her and half the class seeing him. So, we got in early this morning so he would be one of the first into the class to do it then.

I am SO nervous for him ! I really hope it went well.

Warning: Here be Girls

2007-02-01T13:57:00.000Z

Glen got a pressie of the "Dangerous Book for Boys" at Christmas (thanks Brian and Gráinne!) and it is deadly. It's full of very manly stuff like how to make a catapult, the rules of cricket, catching and cooking a rabbit (?!), making paper aeroplanes, etc, etc. I highly recommend that you get a copy for yourself or for your mate's birthday.

Anywho, there is a section in it that outlines what to do and not do in order to impress a girl. They've written it a bit tongue in cheek, I know, but some of them really make me laugh. Especially when I think of my 7 year old reading this advice !!

_________________________________

You may have already noticed that girls are quite different from you. By this, we do not mean the physical differences, more the fact that they remain unimpressed by your mastery of a game involving wizards, or your understanding of Morse Code. Some will be impressed, of course, but as a general rule, girls do not get quite as excited by the use of urine as a secret ink as boys do.

ADVICE ABOUT GIRLS
1. It is important to listen. Human beings are often very self-centred and like to talk about themselves. In addition, it’s an easy subject if someone is nervous. It is good advice to listen closely – unless she has also been given this advice, in which case an uneasy silence could develop, like two owls sitting together.
2. Be careful with humour. It is very common for boys to try to impress girls with a string of jokes, each one more desperate than the last. One joke, perhaps, and then a long silence while she talks about herself…
3. When you are older, flowers really do work – women love them. When you are young, however, there is a ghastly sense of being awkward rather than romantic – and she will guess your mother bought them.
4. Valentine’s Day cards. Do not put your name on them. The whole point is the excitement a girl feels, wondering who finds her attractive. If it says ‘From Brian’ on it, the magic isn’t really there. This is actually quite a nice thing to do to someone you don’t think will get a card. If you do this, it is even more important that you never say, ‘I sent you one because I thought you wouldn’t get any.’ Keep the cards simple. You do not want on e with padding of any kind.
5. Avoid being vulgar. Excitable bouts of wind-breaking will not endear you to a girl, just to pick one example.
6. Play sport of some kind. It doesn’t matter what it is, as long as it replaces the corpse-like pallor of the computer programmer with a ruddy glow. Honestly, this is more important than you know.
7. If you see a girl in need of help – unable to lift something, for example – do not taunt her. Approach the object and greet her with a cheerful smile, whilst surreptitiously testing the weight of the object. If you find you can lift it, go ahead. If you can’t, try sitting on it and engaging her in conversation.
8. Finally, make sure you are well-scrubbed, your nails are clean and your hair is washed. Remember that girls are as nervous around you as you are around them, if you can imagine such a thing. The think and act rather differently to you, but without them life would be one long rugby locker room. Treat them with respect.

Cha-Chump Change

2007-01-30T10:55:00.000Z

Aww man, what a sickener.

Ann rang me earlier to say that 4 letters had arrived for me from the tax office, so I got really excited, thinking "This is it! Not only will I be going to Venice, but if I fall in love with the place I can buy a villa there with my refunded tax ! Ahhh la vita e bella".

Well this was not to be. It turns out that after closely scrutinizing my tax affairs for the past 4 years, they decided that it was all nicely in order. Well - all in order except for the 93c I OWE THEM. This is indeed the epitome of the term 'anti-climax'.

The Odd Couple

2007-01-29T10:05:00.000Z

I happened upon this photo on Flickr and it really makes me laugh. It's as though she was in a photo shoot and he just sort of shuffled up beside her in a kind of "they'll never notice I'm here" kind of way.

Also, while I'm posting here I was out for dinner on Friday night and I'm the first person I know to have eaten Zebra ! It was delish altogether - very tender.

And my final update is that I'm off to Venice on Friday morning WOOHOO !! I'll be bringing my wife, my camera, my tripod and my credit card and will not be bringing my kids. Can. Not. Wait.

I hear 50 Cent owns this town!

2007-01-22T20:31:00.000Z

"Dat is SO L.A. !"

I took this driving through Nenagh earlier on today.

Nightmare on Del Street

2007-01-19T09:17:00.000Z

I've always been fascinated by the nightmares and dreams people have.

My dad used to dream about mad stuff like 3 legged cats chasing him and he'd be acting it all out and screaming the house down in his sleep.

Not to mention Ann being such a mad sleep walker that when we were in Turkey years ago she went out and climbed over the balcony wall of our penthouse apartment, onto the roof and around to the front, where she climbed over that wall too. Although in fairness to her, she was escaping an imagined lunatic that was attacking her in the room at the time.

My nightmares are different though - I never dream of monsters or ghosts or people dying or falling off cliffs or being naked in public or anything like that (that's a different sort of dream lol). I firmly believe nightmares are brought on by stress and the only thing that causes me stress is when an important training job is on my mind.

So, invariably, my nightmares are of turning up to the wrong venue for training, or forgetting all my material, or waking up late for the training, or being told at the last minute that I had prepared for one topic and that this was supposed to be something altogether different.

The other type I have is where I have to get into a tussle with some dude and I'm boxing the head off him and it's having no effect. Then I switch to some proper Vinnie Jones from 'Lock Stock' kind of shit and the fucker STILL doesn't go down. Hit him with a bat - same. Set the fucker on fire - same. I suppose this is my way of dealing with my sexual impotence (joke!!) If only I'd stop turning up late and to the wrong house for sex.

(Ann, feel free to leave a comment there pet and tell them it's alright. In fact, tell them it's great)

Cha-ching (hopefully)

2007-01-15T16:24:00.000Z

Has anyone asked the tax office to do a review lately ? And if you did, how did you get on ?

Everyone has been advising me to ask them for a review because it's almost always the case that they owe you money. So, I've signed up for the Do It Yourself type service they've created now and I jolly well hope they owe me a fortune. I've long thought that my tax credits have been out of whack, but this will prove it once and for all I suppose.

I signed in there to check my details and they still had me down as having only one child, so I hope to feck that some "triple your tax credits by having a second child" ruling has come in over the last 2 years !! I'll post an update in about 5 months when I get word back ...

In other news, I have booked a weekend in Venice for Ann and me - WOOHOO ! Well, I say a weekend, but stoopid Ryanair only have one flight a day there, so we'll be landing on the Friday at 9:45 local time and leaving at 10.10 a.m. local time on Sunday !! Pffft ! Still it'll be nice and rosemantic - at least until we have an argument because I want to keep stopping and taking pics all the time ! lol

Oh and Pa - thanks for the text lastnight at 11pm to say that you're popping off to Vegas soon, if anybody wants to come along ROFL !! Put a tenner on black for me :)

A message from our Department of Coinkadinkology

2007-01-01T20:36:00.000Z

For a long time, I’ve told anyone that would listen about my theory of coincidences and reading books. This has happened to me about 4 times and it’s where I’m reading a book and for whatever reason I haven’t touched in a few weeks. Then, one day, I hear a new word that I’ve never heard before. “I must remember that” I think to myself and then return home. The next time I go back to my book, on the VERY next page, there’s the word! I mean, if I had only read one more page the last time, I would have learned that word yonks ago!!

WELL, my friends, here is an amazing true story of books and coincidences. Over the Christmas hols, I’ve been reading Peter Kay’s autobiography and the other day, the following sequence of events occurred – all in one day, remember. Now,maybe you’re not a believer, but this feckin freaks me out big time:

In one of the chapters, he was saying he used to DJ at the school disco and one of the nuns used to request the Communards “don’t leave me this way” on occasion. I’m driving down to Ann’s folks with the family soon after and what’s on the radio ? You guessed it! That’s a coincidence, but it gets better.

We get back that afternoon and I’m knackered, so I feck off upstairs for a rest and I can hear the unmistakeable bassline of “Stir it up”, the opening track on our Best of Bob Marley CD. Now, we have hundreds of CDs in the collection but Ann chose that one. I’m up in bed reading and turn the page to Chapter 9 – only to find that it’s called ….”We be Jammin’ ”. We’re not done yet folks …

Then later on we rented out a DVD to watch when the kids went to bed. We got Miami Vice and it was actually ok, although Colin Farrell wasn’t the Mae West in it. Anywho, we went to bed after that and I was reading my book again, where he was saying that the cash and carry he worked in got raided once. He described the two oulfellas who delivered the payroll and the fact that they were a bit decrepit and an easy target for criminals. “One of them was an asthma sufferer in his late sixties”, he says, “and the other had an orthopaedic shoe. They were hardly Crockett and Tubbs”, he says !!!

Now, fuck me in the ear with a traffic cone if that isn’t the most coincidental run of events in the history of mankind. Comments most welcome with your stories of Coinkadinkology.

A story about anti-lock brakes, in the style of Quentin Tarantino

2007-01-01T20:21:00.000Z

The Characters and their backgrounds:

The Lamppost
So, it’s not easy being a lamppost in this weather. Although, at least being situated at the Pinnock Hill roundabout, at the entrance to Swords village, is better than being on some back road down the country. I get to see eye to eye with some local babes on the upper deck of the bus and I even got to see that gobshite truck driver go past with his tipper thing in the up position – before he went on and knocked down the pedestrian bridge. But what happened on New Years Eve at 9:20pm made me pee down my leg. I mean, I don’t have legs – or pee for that matter – but I got the fright of my young, luminous life ….

00 DL Ford Focus Ghia
I’ve been with Derek since September 2006 and I know he’s really happy with me. I have a bigger engine than his last car, I’m better designed inside and out, I’m newer and he tinted my windows so I do look pretty slick, if I say so myself. I know there was that hiccup with the exhaust in the first few weeks, but good old Del soon sorted that out. The only thing that he’s not chuffed about is that I tend to lose my footing a bit going round corners and roundabouts sometimes. My tires are new but I don’t think they’re a very good brand, so what happened on New Years Eve wasn’t really my fault …

Derek
I’ve been loving my new car since I got it – it’s much more comfortable and faster than the old one. I chose black so I could tint the windows and when I clean it up, it’s reeeal purdy! I clipped the feckin driver’s mirror in a car park the other week and I was gutted when a little bit broke off and left a jagged edge. It’s not too bad, but what a sickener that in 11 years of driving the only damage I’ve ever caused to my own cars has been once with the Corolla where I scraped the rear wheel arch off a pillar in a multi-story and then this to my beautiful new Focus – also in a multi-story car park, involving a concrete pillar. On New Years Eve, I had to drive all the way out of Swords, on empty roads, past empty shops, to get to the Texaco and buy some painkillers for my poor wife. On the way back I was listening to Limp Bizkit at a high volume and I guess I had a bit of testosterone flowing because I thought I’d take the roundabout a bit faster than usual and see if the car could hold it’s own after all – I mean, it should be better than the old car in every way – surely ?

Pinnock Hill Roundabout
Man, I wish they had cleaned up that oil spill properly the other week. I know it looks pretty in the rain, but the smell is giving me a headache …

Cut to 9:20, December 31st 2006, and ACTION:

Derek: [singing] “Now I know why you wanna hate me, cos hate is all the world has seemed to see lately” … here we go car …
Roundabout: HEY, slow down dude – there was an oil spill here the other d… ! Shit, too late …
Car: Jaysus, this is a little faster than usual. Yep, there goes my arse, slipping left as usual. Hang on, it’s slipping out further than it normally does!
Derek: Ah shit, I’m skidding properly now – better turn into it and correct it. Ahh SHIT, now I’m proper skidding – QUICK – turn the wheel
Lamppost: OH FUCK – look at that guy skidding on the oil-slicked, rain-soaked road!
Car: Shit, he’s turned into the skid and now my arse has kicked out to the right – I don’t like this one bit …
Derek: FUCK, now I’m aqua-planing sideways to the right. Keep turning that wheel and get it back on track Del. BOLLOCKS, I’VE MOUNTED THE KERB. THERE’S ONE OF THOSE FATTER THAN USUAL LAMPPOSTS RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY HEADLAMP!!
Lamppost: Tell my mother I loved her – Hail Mary full of Grace, Hallowed be thy name …
Derek: So, I’m gonna smack into that lamppost and damage the front of my car. There are worse things you could hit, so don’t panic Derek and keep trying to avoid it – man this shit is happening fast, I can’t believe I’m able to think so rationally…
Car: JESUS ! Don’t lose it man – keep the ABS going – FUCK ! I just missed that lamppost by a whisker. Come on wheels – STOP STOP STOP !!
Lamppost: Oh thank God – he’s missed me
Derek: Holy fuck, how did I miss that? Thank Christ I stopped the car before going back on the dual carriageway. I don’t think I hit off anything, did I? OK, I’m right beside the kerb and the engine hasn’t cut out. I’ve made it. I’ll just ease off the kerb and pull in there to see if the car is ok …
Car: OH … MY ….. GOD. I’m still in one piece. We’ve pulled in 50 yards down the road so he can give my wheels and axles the once over
Derek: Whew – everything is ok on the car. Man, that was a close one. What an IDIOT I was. I must tell everyone on the blog not to drive like gobshites – EVER.

Fade to Credits

Points I could dwell on, if I chose to:
1. If it had happened on ANY other roundabout in Swords, they all have crash barriers on them to prevent such dangers to pedestrians, so I would have slammed into that instead – eek!
2. If I had hit the lamppost, it wouldn’t simply have been a case of “ahh shit, I’ve wrecked my new car” – the airbag would have deployed and could well have fucked up my teeth, face, nose, neck, etc
3. Thank fuck there were no other cars there, although I did ensure a clear workspace when I went into the roundabout.
4. I only took the roundabout at like 5 miles an hour too fast – IMAGINE I had been really speeding?? Jesus lads, please learn from my near miss and be careful out there !

Now click through to my Flickr page to see the pics I took the morning after, when I returned to the scene of the near-accident. I’m just chuffed it ended how it did – especially when I see how close I was to the lamppost and see how short a distance it happened in.

All nerds look away now

2006-12-21T10:29:00.000Z

I installed updates today for Windows and it offered me an upgrade on Internet Explorer, which I opted for. I know half of you tech-nerds out there (i.e. one out of the two people that read this page lol) probably use Firefox or some other browser, but they've come up with some pretty nifty changes.

You can now use browsing tabs within the window, so your taskbar at the bottom of the screen isn't cluttered with millions of crap

AND

You know the way you could always hold down the control button and scroll your mouse-scroll up or down to resize the text ? WELL now you can do it to an absolutely ridiculous degree - making it microscopic or absolutely huge.

So far, its working grand for me and I like the look of it too.

You may now resume your nerdery ...

Those fools are indeed deserving of pity

2006-12-20T21:37:00.000Z

Which fools ? The ones that missed "Bring Back the A-Team" on Channel 4 last night.

Yourman Justin, the really funny dude that looks like Jesus and The Bee Gees' (immaculately conceived) love child, went to L.A. for 2 weeks with a bunch of researchers and basically blagged his way around meeting ALL of the remaining stars of the show. George Peppard is dead now, but he did manage to meet Murdock, Face, Tawnia (schwing!!), Decker, Bull Fullbright AND Mr. T !!!

Oh yeah, he even sat outside the writers gaff for 7 hours and then ran over to his limo - and it was yourman off the 80's shows that used to smoke the pipe, tear the page out of the typewriter and then it turned into an animation - remember him ? WELL, the dude only invites him in and fuckin lets him wear all of B.A.'s chains !!! It was just awesome.

And one more thing people - please please click through to The Sneeze and listen to the Oh Holy Night song - it's so awful it's amazing. And if you have the download speeds, look at the zombie animation thing too.

Back in the office tomorrow - let the winding down begin .....

I'm gonna take a chance

2006-12-13T18:35:00.000Z

Lonely trips to the cinema are becoming a regular event these days. I'm even thinking of putting a rain mac on my Christmas wish list. Lastnight I finally saw the James Bond movie and jaysus it's a fast moving action packed film to be sure to be sure. I actually enjoyed it but thought they overdid the oul Daniel Craig in his skimpy jocks thing - overdid it by a country mile in fact. GREAT cars though, old DB5 and new DBS !! Hubba Hubba.

Also, I've gone and signed up for wireless broadband in my gaff, which is installed and awaiting my return from the lovely Longford. Watch this space for rivetting updates every ten minutes about every second thought I have (probably about cars and boobs - both of which are referred to twice in this post). Or, more reaslistically, I'll never use the thing and kick myself for signing up at all. Clearwire were the only ones that will cover my area and they're not the cheapest. Still, Ann will be happy to stretch her cyber-muscles again. I suppose I better up my game on the blog here and try to be a bit funnier, so she'll be impressed and maybe show me her boobs and stuff.

Until I get back to my new wireless friend, I'll settle for yet another trip to the pictures to take a chance on Jackass 2. I suppose I could be using all this peaceful, evening "me" time to write a book or to try and solve world poverty and stuff, but it's just easier to laugh at the boyos doing a bungy wedgie.

Oh yeah, by the way, I like cars.

There - that's twice.

A BOR-illiant Comedy!

2006-11-28T10:25:00.000Z

Man oh man. I've been working like mad these last few weeks and I'm not done yet. I also had a chest infection for the last week. BUT I did manage to leave my little quarantined nest to catch the new Borat film and I thought I was going to die a wheezy, spluttering (but joyous) death right there in the UCI ! It was so funny!

I mean, right from the time I heard the title was gonna be "Borat: Cultural Learnings of America For Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan" I knew he had hit the nail on the head and he wasn't going to hold anything back. Among my fave scenes in the film are the naked wrestling with Azamov (the guy is shameless) and the one where he is trying to check in at the hotel after learning how to be more "street" and walks up to the reception and says "What's up, vanilla face?" hahaha

I also hear that Jackass II is coming out but I won't rush to see that. Has anyone seen Strutter yet ? I caught one episode the other night and saw a load of skateboarders twisting and breaking themselves in various ways - I thought yourman was quite funny, but not hilarious.

On the gayer side of things, I'm also loving America's Next Top Model, as we're into the final week or two now and, of course I'm a Celebrity Get me Outta Here - not least because Myleene will definitely not get kicked out and will provide eye candy for another week yet.

Nice Ice Baby

2006-11-08T13:14:00.000Z

In the hopes of redeeming myself after believing that Shamrock carry on (in fairness I watched that video without any sound), I came across this little doozy from the Gong Show years ago, where acts would come on and make plonkers of themselves.

Well, not these girls ! Personally, I think they should have won the entire series. I'm also particularly impressed by the female judge at the end. Enjoy! (click the pic to view the video)

Holy Shamrocks Batman !

2006-11-06T10:06:00.000Z

Check out this site and for God's sake play the video on it too. I never heard of this development and I'm not even sure that it has any sort of planning permission. Certainly, this website is going on as though it's a dead cert.

It does look very space-agey though and I'm LOVING the idea of it being in the shape of a shamrock. They've even nicknamed it "Seamróg". Might have been better in the shape of a pint of Guinness though.

Update: What a divvy I am - Stevie B has informed me that this is an old hoax. Is it getting warm in here or is it just me ?!

Smurfin Great fun !

2006-11-02T12:31:00.000Z

Had a top notch weekend, with clay pigeon shooting on Saturday afternoon and Mango and Angela's 80's Fancy Dress Party on Saturday night ! I'll let the pics do the talking - click through to my Flickr page to see a small selection.

Saw Skeleton Key lastnight which was quite good, with a great ending, but I'm still nowhere near ready to appreciate the horror suggestions made by Stevie or go to the Horrorthon like J.Kelly.

God no.

Weird Al's best yet

2006-10-25T13:56:00.000Z

Oh man, this is such a clever and hilarious parody - with a lot of effort gone into it. If you haven't seen it yet, click the pic, go through to You Tube and prepare to wet yourself laughing at it.

(In case you're really out of touch, it's ripping the piss out of a Hip Hop song called "Ridin Dirty").

In other news, have you seen the latest poster campaign for eggs ? "An egg a day is OK". Fuckin hell lads, I know you're trying to combat the misconceptions about eggs, etc, but what advertising exec would EVER think it was good to advertise something as "OK".

'Buy the new iPod - it's not too bad'. Fuck's sake people.

I'm curious ..

2006-10-23T15:48:00.000Z

No, not curious, in THAT way!

As a budding photgrapher (pfft!), I'm very interested in what different people find attractive. Especially given that my wife married me, but fancies Nicholas Cage rotten. To research this in more detail, I've decided not to post a pic of Mr. 'I could use up Ann's free pass any time I liked' Cage, but to post this pic of some fine examples of the fairer sex.

Please, men and women of the Delboy Mansion, tell me which of them, if any, you think is the sexiest, most attractive, best looking, etc., and why. Do any of them move you to make whimpering noises out loud ?

What's the beat on Delboy street?

2006-10-23T08:07:00.000Z

Tried to post this on Friday but Blogger wasn't working. Will update later ...

Man I’ve been crazy busy in work for the last while and it’s not really looking like it will slow down before Christmas. Some recent highlights are as follows – and they all seem to be in a kind of “something bad, but also good” format:

I’m back working on a contract in Leitrim only to find out that the restaurant that served my BEST meal EVER has closed down, BUT in its place I found an uber-cool one in a converted church that had LCD screens everywhere with a log fire being broadcast on them. Also great music and huge range of foreign beers. I brought Glen back the Guinness Book of Records 2007 and was reminded of how I used to be so amazed and impressed by it. He’s hardly put it down since.

Haven’t yet turned my Flickr page into a pro account, BUT I have gathered all my digital prints since 1999 into one massive folder, which is 1.8GB !! I’ll slowly but surely have to burn them to CD and get them off my work laptop.

Started delivering a 6 week Management Development Programme lastnight which I wasn’t too happy about, seeing as it’s on Thursday NIGHTS, BUT the group were actually really friendly and enthusiastic, so I was in my element. It’s nice to have a group for a period of time, rather than just one or two days for a change.

In other news:

- My new car passed its NCT – WOOHOO ! Now I have to tax the fecker, with arrears. Booo !
- Amy’s Christening is booked for some Sunday in November. She’ll be able to have a conversation with the priest at this stage, but that's kind of nice lol
- Doing something pretty exciting on Sunday that I’ll tell you about afterwards. It’ll start the ball rolling on something cool that I hope will make a bit of cash and help people along the way. I aim to prove that nice guys CAN become millionaires. Especially if I win the €100m Euromillions tonight !! By the way, thanks Sir Rantalot, aka Johnny, for the last minute rush and creative input !! You the man.
- Having curry for dinner tonight, as made by my wonderful wife, who has also rented out Kill Bill 1 & 2 and bought Ben and Gerry’s and all. Ahh yes, let the weekend commence !

So, sorry this isn’t a well thought out, side-splitting update, but if that’s what you’re here for, click through to http://www.thesneeze.com/ and read his last two posts about the handshaking. It’s most funny indeed.

Very Un-Drex-like

2006-10-06T13:12:00.000Z

Our office is in Applewood Village, in Swords and there have always been parking meters here, although they were never in use. Recently, they were switched on and one of the girls here got caught out today and was clamped. And the complete fookers are charging €95 to remove it ! That's the most I've ever heard of anyone being charged. What a sickener leading up to the weekend.

On the upside, for me at least, I booked Monday off for a bit of lounging around the house and I'm going to feckin-well make the most of these 3 days, before I get busy in work again - including trips to Roscrea and Leitrim (WOOHOO !).

And finally, "It's Drexday Man" is an anagram of "A MAD DRY SEX NIT"

Aswell as:

MIDDAY SEX RANT

DADS MAXI ENTRY
RID MY SEDAN TAX

MAD RAD TINY SEX

MAD NERDY TAXIS

YES RID DAMN TAX

Best pet name EVER !!

2006-09-25T15:51:00.000Z

Someone told me today that they knew a pet rabbit in the 80's called ... wait for it ....

T.J. Hopper ! I laughed my ass off. Anyone got better than that ?!

(and don't go saying "He worked for the LAPD" or something, cos I'm too busy to go and run a websearch to find out ! It's just a joke picture OK !)

Bored Housewives !!

2006-09-19T09:14:00.000Z

...Well actually this is more a post about BORING housewives than bored ones. Sorry to disappoint any porn-hungry hounds out there.

I drop Glen into school nearly every morning and, on the way back to the car, I'm usually surrounded on all sides by dozens of mammies walking back to their cars at a leisurely pace, pushing their younger offspring in their buggies. This irks me because, not only are they delaying my return to my beloved new car and breakfast that awaits me at the end of the shameful 1 minute drive I'm about to embark on, but mostly I get freaked because of the mind-numbing banality of the crap they talk about.

COME ON people ! There's a whole world out there and you INSIST on talking about washing, cooking, kids and nothing else. (At this point I'd like to say that I'm glad I'm pretty nifty with a comma, cos I could have said "washing, cooking kids and nothing else". At least that conversation wouldn't be so boring).

Case in point: this morning, one conversation went like this:

Boring Housewife #1: So how are you enjoying your mornings off ?

Boring Housewife #2: It's great ! I'm getting all my housework done !

BH #1: Oh great !

BH #2: I washed all my windows yesterday and they haven't been done in months !

BH #1: Ah sure windows are hard to keep clean anyway ....

And on it went - while I ran to my car with my hands covering my ears and shouting LALALALALALALALALALA. I mean - look how many exclamation marks they used ! What a waste of such an exciting piece of punctuation on something so boring.

Thank you, oh Lord, for my wonderful, interesting, young, vibrant, sexy housewife.

(And no, she isn't reading this as I type, you CYNIC ! lol)

I've been Flickr'd !!!

2006-09-11T12:51:00.000Z

First ever pic on my new Flickr page :)

I've just figured out how to stick the swanky flash link on the right hand side.

If you're too lazy to scroll that far, click here .

What's 6 x 365 ?

2006-09-08T09:40:00.000Z

Fecked if I know, but this dude took a picture of himself every day for 6 years !!!
I saw this on The Sneeze today and had to share it here.

I'm feeling a little hoarse

2006-09-07T09:27:00.000Z

Man, I'm wrecked. The kids have a football tournament going on in the GAA club and I'm "managing" one of the teams. It was on Tuesday, lastnight and tonight, with tonight being the finals.

On Tuesday, my team won 1 game and lost 2 and they were a bit dejected, so lastnight I brought treats to bribe them with, saying they'd get some if they kept trying, stayed in their positions and didn't moan if they lost !

And they only went and won all three matches !!! They even beat the team that had won 3 matches in a row the previous night ! It was like something off a film - a ragtag bunch of kids with a manager who never played GAA in his life running circles around the opposition. I couldn't have been happier and they were chuffed too. So, the finals are tonight and I didn't sleep a fookin wink lastnight with the excitement of it.

Well, that combined with me getting my new momo tonight ! WOOHOO ! I'll stick a pic of it up after the weekend -- after I have the windows tinted, that is ; )

One armed man inserts hand into strangers ribcage

2006-08-31T12:50:00.000Z

Actually, I'm only joking, it's a picture from a massive tomato festival in Spain.

They have one rule: Only tomatoes can be thrown and they must be mushed already before you lob them.

I have 5 words for that:

Imagine doing that in Dublin

Returno del Del

2006-08-29T11:25:00.000Z

Oh look ! There's the ground. And there's me hitting it. And look at that - I'm running !

Yes indeed, back to work now and I'm in for a very busy next month or two. There's training booked in left, right and centre and I have loads of other stuff to do too. Still, at least I had my 2 weeks off, the (brief) highlights of which are as follows:

Eating like a king: The food was really cheap and we found some really great places, e.g. the Chinese restaurant up the road was on a par with any swanky Chinese in Dublin and charged an average of €4 per MAIN COURSE !! mmmmm Another pleasant food memory will be eating proper Paella made by a (undoubtedly chain smoking) Spanish chef, in the harbour of Altea Hills - a real old part of a very rich Beverly Hills style place - Hummers and Mercs galore in the carpark and I won't even start on the boats.

Swimming in the pool: Such a simple pleasure - diving into the pool when you're sweating your cojones off. Twice a day for a game of volleyball or helping Glen perfect his somersault dive was the norm. Plus it was a private pool for the residents of the housing complex, so there was never more than 2 or 3 people in it. On the downside, I didn't get to see any beach boobies : (

Driving on the wrong side of the road: No, I don't mean the other side, I mean the wrong side ! I got confused with my directions at one stage and pulled in at the last minute right into the path of some traffic waiting for a green light. Needless to say I did an impression of Nicholas Cage in "Gone in 60 Seconds" and reversed that C4 back into place in the blink of an eye, before swiftly and sheepishly apologising to my gobsmacked wife !! Oh and another time on the first day I was driving down an inconceivably narrow road and smacked off about 3 wing mirrors - partly because I was on the left side of the car and partly because the car was such a fat bastard.

Destroying Franco-Gaelic relations: Amy somehow decided that, at the tender age of 17 months, she was going to give her Terrible Twos a try. Whenever she wanted anything, she wouldn't ramp up from asking, to asking loudly, to screaming - she skipped all that and went straight to an impression of a personal attack alarm - only more high pitched and much much louder. So, anyway, we were eating outdoors at a restaurant one day and she kept doing this and EVERYBODY was looking over, but these two old French ladies were sitting behind us and one turned to Amy and said, half-joking I presume, in French "Are you going to keep that up ? That's not lady-like you know", to which I replied in French "I'm so sorry ladies - she's very spirited!", expecting her to be pleasantly surprised by my manners and linguistic ability.

But instead, she must have felt there was no going back now and launched into a lecture, highlighting the fact that, if my kids behaved in this way, they shouldn't be brought to a restaurant and that they were sitting there trying to eat and enjoy their meal, etc. I argued with her for a while and then I'm ashamed to say my French couldn't keep up with her and after aminute of just listening to her rant, I just clapped my hands loudly and said loudly in French "OK - That's enough - it's finished !" As everyone looked around, she kind of mumbled "No, it's not finished" and then went back to her meal, probably afraid that I was going to start throwing chairs or something.

But then, I'm a lover, not a fighter, as we all know.

Question: Who the feck is Binky ?

2006-08-08T14:32:00.000Z

Answer : I couldn't care less, so long as she remains a hot, lesbian, sorority member with a penchant for uploading the antics of her semi-naked, girl-curious, kissing friends !

Lads, and girl-curious girls, I give you the best ever Flickr page, possibly the best ever WEB PAGE ! And those of you who know me well know that I have high standards in that regard !

So, if you are weak of heart, or sit beside your boss, DO NOT click here.

But, if you do .. enjoy !

p.s. I'm off for 2 weeks from Friday, so this is like a parting gift ! Smell you later dudes !

Earth to Crazy Lady: Come in Crazy Lady

2006-07-27T13:02:00.000Z

Today, I read about an Irish woman who set up a charity for sick, dying and mistreated dogs ... in Nepal. Now, usually I'm a lover and not a fighter, but I really want to slap this woman in the head (unless of course it turns out she's related to me, or anyone I know!). Here's why I'm so freaked by this story :

She's Irish - the dogs are in Nepal. What the feck are you at woman ? Are there no sick dogs in Ireland, or somewhere between here and there, that need help ? Do you actually expect even the dog-lovingest Irish hippies to cough up money to help NEPALESE dogs ? It's in fuckin Mongolia for God's sake !!

They're dogs !!! I know there are some animal lovers out there. And some people are totally crazy about dogs. These things are both ok. But if you're coming to ask me for money, then you can be damn sure that if I have any to spare I WON'T be giving it to scabby dogs from Nepal or anywhere else.

Personally, I'd rather help stop child abuse, find cures for cancer, get people off the streets, provide company for dying old people - in fact there are probably about 10,000 other things I would do with my money than donate to her charity. Let alone if I was actually gonna go to the trouble of setting up a charity and doing the fundraising and all. Talk about misguided.

It really reminds me of this thing I saw a while ago on the interweb:

"You know what my favourite thing in the world is ? I'll tell you. Each week, millions and millions of upper middle class American citizens put on expensive dress clothes, load themselves into SUVs, drive past homeless shelters, orphanages, prisons, missions and halfway houses, on their way to a very expensive and nice church, where somebody tells them how to be more like Jesus. That is fucking awesome, let me tell you."

You said it, my co-freaked out friend.

End of rant.

(Wow Stevie, this feels good ! I must rant more often !)

They're not just for licking you know!

2006-07-21T10:35:00.000Z

Seeing as it's Friday (or Drexday as some of you handsome brutes like to call it), I'll also present my number 1 totally addictive passtime that you can use to push your friendship to the limit. I tried to come up with a snazzy acronym for it but it's just not happening!

Number 1: The Elbow Coin Catch
Number of players: As always, 1 or more
Method: You hold your elbow up in the air so that your hand is beside your ear and your elbow is pointing away from your face (see reference diagrams below). Now you place as many coins as you dare on the flattest part of your upturned elbow. The aim here is to whip your elbow down and catch the coins before they fall - with the same hand, in case you hadn't realised ! You're not allowed toss them upwards to buy yourself time - anyway, this will only separate the coins in turn them into shrapnel that will break everyone's glasses and skulls

Wrong Position (nothing wrong with some smut on a Friday)

Right Position (pyjamas optional)

Tips: Do a couple of practice runs with just 1 or 2 coins to warm up. Sounds very basic, but keep your eye on the coins so you don't miss the target.

Observations: You will inevitably run out of coins in your pocket and try to convince people to loan you the coins to go for the world record. So maybe it's best to do this game with small change. I'm not saying to use small coins though ... that's up to you.

So there you have it. Maybe you've never played some of the games. Maybe you haven't played them in years, but I encourage you to go and smash someone's confidence to pieces over the weekend with one of them and hey, if you lose, just remember it's character building.

No, YOU'RE the Queen of Hearts !

2006-07-21T09:02:00.000Z

Number 2: Card throwing

Number of players: 2 or more. Can be an addictive solo passtime too

Method: You place some sort of recepticle on the ground and you sit yourself somewhere far away, say 10 feet minimum. Divide the cards out evenly among the players. The aim is to get as many of your cards into the hat/box/saucepan/empty snackbox package as you can. You may throw it in any way you see fit but all players must throw from the same distance.

Tips: Get yourself a grip that your comfortable with and practice with that. Changing grips every two minutes will only put you off. Try to keep your body movements to a minimum, just like in darts. Stay calm, loose and still. The real trick to this is the same as getting a boomerang back to you - it has to flick as it leaves your hand. This gives it the spin and therefore the predictable trajectory. You might opt for one of these grips, but, personally, I prefer just to hold one corner.

Observations: It's a real personality test for perserverance and patience because some people switch grips and throwing styles after every 2 or 3 misses. I also love to see people arguing over whether sitting on a chair or sitting on the floor gives them any advantage or not. Once you've mastered this game, move on to getting people to name a target, or sit the box/hat on your kids head like William Tell or something. I've only ever given Glen a bloodshot eye twice, so that's a pretty good record.

Flip it like you mean it ...

2006-07-19T14:51:00.000Z

Number 3: The Beermat Flip

Number of Players: 1 or more (obviously 2, if you are trying to compete)

Method: Stack as many beermats on top of each other as you dare. Place them "half on half off" the edge of the bar table or counter. The aim is to place the back of your fingertips under the pile and flip them through at least 180 degrees and catch them without any falling to the table or floor (or anywhere else for that matter)

Tips: Start off with your fingernails actually touching the mats, i.e. don't wallop them up into the air. Try and maintain contact with the mats until they are about halfway through their flight - i.e. at 90 degrees to the table top. Then it's just a matter of getting your thumb around it and gripping (said the bishop to the actress)

Del's Observations: I love the initial amusement on other bar-goers faces which very quickly turns to annoyance and then hatred, as you and your friends rob all the beermats and get increasingly competitive. Also, someone in your group will want to keep going waaay after it's stopped being amusing, just because they have a point to prove. I'm not saying that someone is you though ....

Still friends ? Then try this one ...

2006-07-18T10:10:00.000Z

Number 4: Round the Board
Number of Players: 2
Method: 2 players get the usual 3 darts each. The aim is to land a dart in each numbered section of the board, in their proper sequence, i.e. first dart in 1, then 2, 3, 4, etc. You can't move on to the next number until you hit the one you're on (obviously). When you reach 20, you have to hit any double, then any treble, the 25 and finally the bull. If you hit 3 in a row you get another turn.
Tips: Stay loose and relaxed or your arm will tense up making you throw like shite

Del's Observations: This is a real "sing when you're winning" game, but there's a fine line between being confident and cockey. It's also perfect for making people reeeeeally frustrated when they're behind, or stuck on a number for ages. Careful though, as anything can happen in this game.

And one final tip, if you're playing darts with either of these fellas, do yourself a favour and let them win.

You'll never convince me that Pat Butcher is a woman, so don't even try. I mean, just look at the name - PAT and BUTCHER - it's hardly feminine.

Test your skills AND your friendship !

2006-07-17T15:34:00.000Z

There's a helluva lot of typing in this, so I'm going to spread it over a few days.

Here is the first instalment of my Top 5 Challenges that will occupy you and your chosen opponent for hours and are practically guaranteed to have you hate each other at the end ... or at least not talking to each other for a while:

Number 5: The Coin Toss

Number of Players: 2 or more

Method: We've all played this at some stage. Stand about 8 feet back from a wall or skirting board. Each person throws a coin and the one who gets closest to the wall wins that round. Usually played for small change like 10c per throw.

Tips: Let it hit the ground just short of the wall and the momentum will carry it forward for the remaining few inches. Try to let it land flat, so it doesn't start rolling all over the shop.

Del's Observations: This is a grand game if played for small change, but requires a lot of bending down and walking back and forth, which could make you dizzy and interfere with your throwing skills. Interesting to see the styles adopted by each player - do I throw underhand ? Do I throw it like a frisbee ? Do I stand up straight ? Do I crouch down ?

Ahh yes .... 4 more to go and each is more addictive and life consuming than the last. Stay tuned ...

Destroy It Yourself

2006-07-07T15:35:00.000Z

Well I'm off for a week now !

I have a hall FULL of tiles waiting to be laid (no jokes please), gallons of paint waiting to be spread (oh, come on people) and a garden in desparate need of a good seeing to (I give up).

Please leave all jokes re: hammering, nailing, etc in the comments section so they can cheer me up on my return next Monday. Cheers !

This research just in ...

2006-06-29T09:22:00.000Z

Following yesterday's admission of ignorance, I have discovered that even the makers of Family Guy agree that I am at the extremely low end of the widely esteemed "Horror Respect Scale". I'm pretty bummed to be honest as I really thought those guys appreciated me, y'know ? Anyway, if you'd also like to rate yourself, go to www.glassgiant.com

Hero to Zero in one easy conversation

2006-06-28T08:56:00.000Z

When I returned The Hills Have Eyes last night, I rented out a DVD for Glen, who won the Golden Rules award AGAIN in school. It also meant had a pizza dinner to celebrate. We wanted steamed fish and broccolli, but you it wouldn't be right to leave the little guy celebrating on his own, you know?

Anyway, the cool dude (is it obligatory that all video shop staff be cool dudes and dudettes, with piercings and died hair??) behind the counter scanned it back in and, on his way to get Glen's DVD out the back, this conversation ensued ...

Cool Dude: "Was it any good?"

Me: "Errmm ... what was it again ?"

CD: "The Hills Have Eyes"

Me: Oh yeah - it was really good - did you see the original?"

CD: "No, I never saw it before. I'm gonna bring it home with me tonight"

Me: "Oh - which one?"
miniscule, but tangible pause
CD: ".... The Hills Have Eyes !?"

Me: Yeah, but the new one or the old one?"

CD: "The new one"

Me: "Yeah, you should it's very well made. Check out the extras afterwards - it shows all the special effects and I didn't even notice any CGI while I was watching it. I'm not really much of a horror fan though, usually"
uh oh ...
CD: "Oh right .... I watch nothing else"
street cred severely damaged - must make amends
Me: "A friend of mine is the same - he was saying I should check out Wolf Creek"
CD: "Yeah, I saw that - it's a bit boring"
crash .. and .. burn
Me: "Oh jaysus, well hopefully I haven't given you a bum steer on The Hills Have Eyes so ! See ye!"
exeunt

Anyway, CD also stands for Cross Dresser, so that makes me feel a little better.

Terrific + Horror = Horrific Terror

2006-06-27T11:01:00.000Z

Man - I remember staying over in some relations house years ago when I was about 11 and my younger bro was about 10. The mother of the family went out that night, so the dad and three sons went and got some videos for us to watch. Well, I say "us", but they actually came back with "The Hills Have Eyes" and "The Hills Have Eyes II". Great childminding there lads.

I remember being scared witless watching the things, but mostly I remember the evil bastards creeping into our rooms afterwards and shouting, or tapping on the doors, probably in the hopes of scarring us for life, given that they were obviously crazy fuckin hillbillies themselves for subjecting us to the films.

Well, lastnight I rented the updated version and it is a total shockfest right from the start. The effects were amazing - I didn't twig any CGI stuff in it at all, but then in the extra features, they showed loads - I'm very impressed by it. It's gorey as hell but it's VERY well made. The ending is a bit cheesy, but after having the crap scared out of you, a cheesy ending is just what you want!

Oh and there's a total fox in it called Emilie de Ravin, who the internet says is one of the stars of Lost. I wouldn't know.

ooOOoo FANCY !

2006-06-27T10:36:00.000Z

I was delivering training yesterday in the Citywest Hotel and it's like another world compared to the hotels I usually work in: all polished brass, antique furniture and fellas opening doors for you. Naturellement, the thing that most impressed me were the cars.

There was an '04 Rolls Royce Phantom, which is a car that just blows me away - the thing has so many clever and impressive additions: suicide doors, retractable "Flying Lady", umbrella tucked in the frame of the back door, etc, but the BEST thing is that the RR symbol on the wheels is weighted so that they will always show the right way up, when parked!

There was also a brand new Bentley Arnage there in case the owner fancied a change and there was a Hummer H2 there, which seemed to be used for marketing purposes as it had stickers all over the side of it advertising some golf event. I'm very underwhelmed by Hummers though, I must say. There were 3 brand new high-spec Range Rovers there which, apparently, the owner of the place buys his 3 sons every year. Sorry to bore you if you're not into cars like me - but look at the flippin things - they're gorgeous !!

Is it wrong that I thought of this in bed this morning ?

2006-06-23T10:38:00.000Z

What the F(ather's Day) ?

2006-06-16T13:23:00.000Z

WOOHOO ! Father's Day this Sunday. That'll be a nice lie in for me then. Perhaps a spot of breakfast in bed and maybe even a new pipe or smoking jacket for my collection. I actually don't even want any pressies, I got so many for my 30th. I just can't think of anything else I want ! (Well, without having to fly to Thailand to get it, that is !! lol).

I've long believed that email has killed the art of joke-telling. I click it open, read the joke, laugh, forward it on to someone else maybe, then click onto the next email. Do I remember what I've just read ? Hell no - cos it just went into my short term "joke-buffer", where I keep the details just long enough to get the joke and then delete them.

BUT - the internet has allowed all sorts of new types of humour to come about, like funny pictures. Some are funny situations, some are a bit rude and others just make you think "What the f**k ???!!". Here, my friends, is the picture that has scored the highest ever on my WTF? scale : [click to see it in all its oddball glory]

On the working of the human brain...

2006-06-07T13:06:00.000Z

Lastnight I had one of my many "Why yes, Derek, you're a genius - it's a perfect solution and it will change the world we live in!" moments in my half sleeping state, which, of course proved totally impractical on waking up. Still, this being my blog, I thought I'd share it with you:

I read somewhere that humans only use about 10% of their brain power, so I figured that we could master the other 90% and keep the brain working around the clock - just have it working in shifts with one part working while the other "sub-brains" have a snooze. I suppose for any techies out there it would be like partitioning a hard drive. I know that some functions are located in particular parts of the brain, e.g. language is linked to Wernicke's and Broka's areas (nngoi), but surely these areas could be reproduced somewhere else in the brain ? Then we could just eat Powersauce bars and drink smoothies to help our bodies keep up with our workaholic brains.

I could have my memoirs written in a weekend, I could solve world hunger in a month, I could understand the rules of cricket in 6 months. But naturally enough, some people would use this power for evil purposes and might use amazing technological findings like this for their own nefarious purposes. (In case you didn't spot that, please click the link and be amazed - I could hear up to 1600Hz)

Anyway, you read it here first.

I'm a flirty, dirty, thirty year old !

2006-06-06T13:55:00.000Z

Howdy y'all !

What a couple of weeks. I've basically had two weekends of celebrating my birthday and, at the risk of tempting fate, it seems that everything is coming up Millhouse for the Delster ! Here's why:

Attended the Aggro's Wedding in Glendalough, which was groovy and stayed in the best B+B in Ireland, in my opinion.
Turned 30 and got a truckload of cool pressies - thanks all !
Bought a new swank-a-licious Digital SLR camera (a Canon EOS 350d if you're interested). Inspired by the purchase of Mr. Johnny Foley. It's SWEEEEEET.
Got an "add-on" loan for the house and will commence overhaul in the coming weeks. I'm really looking forward to this. We've already replaced our old "sleeping on knuckles" mattress and it's a whole new world !
Had a spiffing good night out with my friends in Panama on Friday night and nearly started a fight with a cheeky barman (if you were there, you probably know the story !). I'm usually a lover, not a fighter ;)
Had a jolly lovely meal in the Carnegie Court Hotel in Swords yesterday lunchtime with my family to jointly celebrate my 30th and my bro's 38th. He's, like, old and stuff.

I won't complain about it being too hot, cos the sunlovers would stone me to death. So, instead I'll say "Wow ... look how sunny it is".

The joys of travelling

2006-05-23T17:39:00.000Z

There are some things I love about being on the road, with work.

Obviously the whole missing my wife and kids thing is a wrench - especially when I'm away for a few days. I get a bit of lump in my throat after I hang up from chatting to Glen particularly -probably because it's only when I talk to him on the phone that I realise how big he's getting.

Anywho, here I am in a hotel in Leitrim and I have a chance to sit and type a blog entry - something I've been miles too busy to do in yonks. So I thought I'd keep it positive and focus on what I DO like about travelling occasionally with work:

The funny place names: On the road to Cork I passed a place called Skeeheenarinky ! ROFL ! Imagine that being your address. On the same journey I passed through Horse and Jockey. Take a trip to Cavan and you'll see signs for Shecock and Mullagh (which I like to read as Mullaaah just to reinforce my Dublin superiority complex).

The things you see: Real life V shaped valleys and drumlins and rivers and bogs and other stuff from my geography lessons. Not to mention cool unexpected stuff like this Delmobile which lives permanently outside a petrol station in Urlingford. The houses are also HUGE and probably cost quarter of the price of mine.

The chance to read: Aaah yes, sitting in the hotel or restarant reading my book. At home I only pick up my book at bed time and get an average of 2 pages read per night. (I'm resisting the urge to crack a chauvenist joke here. Suffice to say "giggidy giggidy giggidy")

The food: It's paid for, it's plentiful and it's whatever I want it to be !! Indian, Italian, steak, etc, are all options when I go away and I get to suit myself and noone else. Breakfasts are best though. I've taken to having a bowl of muesli topped with real fruit salad mixed with yoghurt. mmmmmm. Followed by poached eggs and bacon. I can't think of a better way to start the day ... at least not yet I can't.

Don't balk at the Dundalk talk

2006-05-09T09:38:00.000Z

I was reminded of my time in Dundalk this morning, when I read Stevie's post about Cavan. I went to college there for 3 years (only the first 2 of which were actually spent in college!). The thing that I remember most about Dundalk is the fact that they are only 50 miles up the road, but MAN do they have a different accent to us - not to mention the phrases they use. So, here's a wee taster in case you ever find yourself in Ireland's largest town - the place where every second building is a pub and the places in between are off licences.

Hye: to be used liberally wherever you want - at the start, middle or end of a sentence. e.g. "I'm goin to kick your head in, hye". (I worried about the spelling of this word, as it's hard to truly capture the sound using the English alphabet. The best I can suggest is "haiy").

Well: as Stevie said, this is the Dundalk and Co. Louth version of hello. It can be mumbled in a manly fashion or chirped in an excited girly fashion, but must always be suffixed by "hye" if you are to be mistaken for a native. It is used as both a hello and a how are you doing. e.g. "Well, hye - I haven't seen you in ages"

I'm away awn: this means "I'm going now" and can be shortened to "I'm away" if you're feeling particularly informal and fruity. e.g. "Thanks for dinner Bernie (there's an inordinate amount of women called Bernie in Dundalk), I'm away awn"

Your mother works down the dawks: An insult implying - nay stating - that your mother is a prostitute, "dawks" being the Dundalk word for Docks - an area of the town formerly known for prostituion.

Two curry chip, hye: my all time favourite quote from Dundalk. I've lost count of the amount of times I've heard Dundalk natives asking for this in the chipper - usually after a night drinking Harp or McArdles. Two points to note here - firstly the "curry" is pronounced "currghwy" in that distinctly Dundalk way. Secondly, you must never, EVER put an S at the end of the word chip, no matter how many portions you are ordering, or they will know you're an out of towner and they'll smell your fear.

Darrick: Finally, if you meet any of my namesakes in Dundalk, you must call them Darrick, not Derek. For real accuracy, the double "r" should be really pronounced, with your bottom lip curling fully over your bottom teeth. e.g. "Well, Darrick, are you away awn up the town? Do you want to go and get 2 curry chip hye? No ?! What do you mean no? Well fu*k you then - your mother works down the dawks!"

Goat - prepare to get got

2006-05-05T13:05:00.000Z

I tell you what's getting my goat right now...

As we speak, my sister in law is queuing outside a secondary school in Swords, so she can ensure a place for her daughter in a couple of years - and the freakin doors won't open until SUNDAY !!

My bro sat in his car lastnight doing a stakeout on the place (without the donuts - he has high cholesterol), because he knew fine well that as soon as some parent decided that they couldn't risk it any longer, then the word would spread like wildfire and before you know it you're 200th in line. He could see cars kerbcrawling past, with antsy looking drivers, all fearing the same thing.

Then, somewhere between lastnight and this morning, someone did it. Some arsehole turned up and plonked themself in front of the place and started the whole thing off. Dave had to go to work and so my sister took over for the day shift - the ALL day shift. Now they have the prospect of sitting outside in all weather until sometime on Sunday (obviously with some help from me and my other Swords-dwelling brother), when they'll have to face the staff of this school and try and smile and chat and sign some paperwork.

Maybe I'm a bit of a psycho, but if it was me I'd have to fight really hard to hold back three days worth of slow-boiling fury and stop myself grabbing the headmaster/mistress by their oldfashioned, discriminatory, inhuman, inconsiderate, thoughtless fuckin meat head and hopping it off the door that I'd been looking at for the last 72 hours.

You gotta getta Bugatti

2006-04-28T13:03:00.000Z

Sweet Lord.

Man, I love cars. They make me so happy. I covet them sooo much.

I know I'm driving a 10 year old Corolla and all, but when it comes to cars, my heart lies where my wallet simply can't follow.

Anywho, I managed to catch a re-run of Top Gear lastnight and they featured this car on it. It's the automotive equivalent of the bumper euromillions that yourwoman from Limerick won: everyone says "ahhh no, that's toooo much - you couldn't be happy with all that". I fear this car may well be too much for any human being to be able to enjoy. But it's there - it's on sale. It's real.

It's a Bugatti Veyron.
It has 1001 bhp !!
It's made up of 2 V8 engines, spliced into a W16 !!
It's got 4 turbo chargers !!
It's got 7 gears !!
It does 0-60 mph in 2.5 seconds !!
It has a top speed (having been limited) of 255mph !!

Ahh yeah .. that's toooo much car.

[sob sob]

Now I'm not one to complain, but ....

2006-04-26T13:13:00.000Z

... I've been off sick for the past few days with a bad headcold. It started last Thursday or Friday and my sinuses have been fooked ever since - it feels like my eyeballs are about to explode out of my head. This is not pleasant.

Thankfully, though, the training gods have smiled upon me and they have arranged for the cancellation of 2 separate training events that I had lined up this week ! Shame to lose the revenue and all, but very lucky for me and my health. So, kudos to you, oh training gods !

Well said Mr. Simpson

2006-04-19T12:59:00.000Z

Ahh yes ! The long weekend went exactly according to plan.

Plenty of lying down (although this was helped along by a cold and/or chest infection).

Pa's surprise 30th on Friday - handful of beers and mucho chat and laughing. Also much falling asleep on the part of some people who shall remain nameless. Also MANY photos taken which I hope to see soon .... anyone ? Missed Puppy there though ... still it meant there was more curry for the rest of us mmmmmmm.

Amy started walking - she's like Chucky from Child's Play now stalking around the place, only a little cuter.

Fed the absolutely MASSIVE and pushy swans at Swords estuary on Sunday and then went to see Ice Age 2 which is top notch altogether. I think John Leguizamo should get paid triple what the rest get paid - Sid the Sloth carries that movie.

AND there's only 2 and a bit days left in the week already. Now ... where's me vitamins ?